The Spirit of Raw Love

We are all different. We are all the same. You have a uniqueness that manifests through the expression of your values via your behaviours, attitudes, intelligence, and creativity. At the root you seek love and yet, experience resistance to the fullest expression of love. I have been wrestling with the complexity of love for a long time. What I have discovered has astonished me.

You ache deeply in your heart for love in your life, hoping for fulfillment through another and yet, that love begins with self. The expression of that loving energy, central in your being must be released fully to embrace yourself, your gifts, your life, and your interactions in the world. That fullest expression and sensation is an expansion within that feels like the chest is being torn asunder. It is suppressed because it feels difficult to contain and that is important to notice: It is not meant to be contained.

Love is to be expanded and allowed to flow out. In coming to terms with this, allowing the discomfort of such an unfamiliar and raw emotional power pressing outward from the center of your being, it will become familiar and less uncomfortable. It's powerful and passionate force will fill up your life with meaning, purpose, and fulfillment. It is the contender. It is the purpose. It will bring the manifestation of all that you are and are here to be. It will draw the right circumstances, people, and relationships into your life that will enrich your experience.

That fullness of love is vulnerable and it causes you to fear. But the fear is a prison preventing the very thing that you desire; the deepest experience of love and the fullest life you seek to enjoy. Being vulnerable comes with the full emotional range of grief, pain, and disappointment that comes from loving others. People will continue to be human and err. Rather than shut-down, embrace the pain and love the hurting inner child of innocent love. Forgive, not just the trespasser but also that inner child. With forgiveness offer love and through the pain watch it subside into comfort. Continue to bring life through love and forgiveness and witness the power to transform lives; yours and those you impact.

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Consciousness, Awareness, and Knowing

Note: I'm playing with language a bit in order to get to the essence of the experience.

Monday, October 30th, 2006 at approximately 7:45am, I found myself being launched over the handlebars of my bicycle in downtown traffic. Pure awareness was present and time stood still. Even before launch, as the front wheel jammed, awareness saw the inevitable and acted fully. Listening to the body and awareness, I was compelled to commit to the forward trajectory and aid the launch in order to roll through the fall. The mind tried to intervene with all the fears and knowledge of falling, crashing, and the pain to be endured. Only fractions of a second have passed and consciousness puts aside the mind as the inevitable is inevitable. I gently leap forward just so, directing myself and the bike with my hands, as I go into orbit over the bike. Consciousness has already moved to the landing.

My feet are still on the pedals, and hands on the handlebars, as my body is fully extending up and over the handlebars. Awareness sees the path of trajectory leads directly in the middle of the curb, between sidewalk and roadway. Knowing realizes this is not good and awareness immediately assess direction: Left leads to a lamp post, and right leads onto the main road during rush hour traffic. Awareness glances along the lane of oncoming traffic and the lane is clear. Knowing now acts with a directional force between the body and the bike to redirect orbit for a safe landing and roll out onto the roadway. Feet now about a foot off the pedals suddenly become entangled with the bike.

As the trajectory of my fall was altered, the cross force between body and bike, my feet were now getting caught up in the bike going the other way. This caused my weight to pull the bike after me, while the weight of the bike slowed and stalled the trajectory of my fall. Knowing said, "Oh shit, this is going to hurt," as he realized the forward rotation would not be sufficient to come through the fall unscathed. Suddenly, impact came and for a momentary flash it seemed to be that nothing existed. I wasn't in my body, I had no sense of existence, I had no experience of pain or impact, only moreso the oomph moment secondarily after impact. It left me wondering. Suddenly consciousness again alerted awareness of the bike following my path and rolling onto my back, I reached out with my injured arm and flung the bike beyond me, still unaware of the extent to my injury.

As I got to my feet I felt the lead weight of my right arm and the throbbing of my entire shoulder. Seeing my bike in the road I reached to pull it up onto the sidewalk and was immediately rendered dead with system overload as all consciousness, awareness, and knowing catching up, focused all attention on the searing pain and abnormal functioning of the right arm at the shoulder. Dropping the bike, turning and stumbling backward, I reached a retaining wall and sat down to catch my breath, regain my balance and vision, and to come back to present. Just then a doctor came to my aid, having seen the accident as she was driving by to work, and within minutes I was checked into emergency.

After x-rays and the once over, I was released with the knowledge that I had severely separated the clavicle and shoulder, all held together by soft tissue and not an actual sockety-type joint. It was suggested that it would take 6-8 weeks to heal, it would be 2-3 weeks before much use returned, and that there was little likelihood that it would heal back to norml. In fact, the follow-up with the specialist suggests that the soft tissues will never reattach themselves in the shoulder. Even so, with intention and some visualization techniques I have focused healing towards that region of the body.

I have followed the urgings of my body, it's need for rest, for fuel, and for movement. With only occasional pain-killer use the first two-days, I was no longer wearing a sling and could move my arm about with some effort and creativity. A week and a bit later, I've regained almost full range of motion and am gradually increasing in strength. Due to the severity of injury, the muscles tire quickly and pain radiates from deep within, although not unbearably. Upon seeing a model of the tissues in the affected region, I continue to focus my visualization and intention on the fullest healing possible, trusting my body, and providing accordingly. And I wait, patiently and gratefully.

Transition: Be Still

I had a great reflection today that brought gladness to my heart for the experiences I've had. The reflection was evoked by a conversation with a dear friend who happens to be in one of those difficult transition periods that life throws at us occassionally. Dealing with difficulty often isn't our biggest challenge, it's the wait and the inability to control the outcome and timing. For whatever reason, we're in the midst of sudden upheaval that will challenge and requires attention. Knowing myself, I suspect most of us would like it solved NOW.

Transitions and these upheavals come in many different shapes and sizes. There is no magic formula beyond showing up and being with the situation and sticking to the process as it also shows up. Each situation will come with its' own best practices to create change and forward movement, and yet ultimately each situation will require us to listen to our heart for guidance. Even as the various pathways reveal themselves, and a path chosen, we can see that this will take some time and quite probably courage. I know there have been times on my journey I have faltered and felt faint. If only I could get there NOW, and then someone would acknowledge and remind me of the process. "I know, I know." I'd say, "still...."

Still.... always that word - and I know. You who are privy to my journey have watched me with my ups and downs for how long now? And slowly but surely, sticking with it, falling on my face, getting up again, and I'm getting there. I've grown in many ways, and yes, some areas of my life have remained neglected. I see why the building of a house is often used as an analogy for our own lives too. First, a new foundation - we're rebuilding here - and then level by level, living this life to perfection through each experience towards wholeness.

So still:

• you have so many amazing years in front of you.
• you have so many discoveries yet to be enjoyed.
• you have so many beautiful people to meet.

And still:

• you will cry.
• you will long for something better.
• you will learn from some hurtful people.

Each will shine the diamond within. So yes, still: Be still.

PS - As I write this, it's been almost a full week since I separated my right shoulder. Separating my shoulder could have been the worst thing that happened to me had I chosen that path. Instead, I saw so many glorious opportunities given, and an unusual experience of injury and healing that has given me more intimacy with the physical body. This perspective has enriched my daily experiences and relationships that yield more wonderful opportunities, and created joy and gratitude for my life.