"It could just be heartburn," came the retort.

"No, I don't think so. I'm pretty sure this is much bigger than that." I was convinced my heart was growing bigger.

Imagine someone dear to you. Someone you can't imagine not breathing, that you can imagine the emotional volcano erupting deep within if they were lost. Whoa! That's some seriously deep loving.

In your heart's desire the best of the best is hoped for that person. Never would you dream of harming them, or even wish to see in any kind of pain or difficulty. Like a parent for a child, we wish them happiness, joy, friends, success, security, peace, satisfaction, and so on. And even so, we ache every time we hear the opposite, we cry inside every time we see their pain.

Be joyful, be happy, is often what I hear. While sad, I can't say that I am not grateful or unhappy. Being sad can contain joy too, albeit a little warped. (But I hear that helps around here.) I might be full of shit, but I don't think so.

I'm reading A Brief History of Everything by Ken Wilber and am discovering lingo and sound argument for the experiences I have and am incapable of explaining fully. Check this out:

I'll tell you what I think. I think the sages are the growing tip of the secret impulse of evolution. I think they are the leading edge of the self-transcending drive that always goes beyond what before. I think they embody the very drive of the Kosmos toward greater depth and expanding consciousness. I think they are riding the edge of a light beam racing toward a rendez-vous with God.

And I think they point to the same depth in you, and in me, and in all of us. I think they are plugged into the All, and the Kosmos sings through their voices, and Spirit shines through their eyes. And I think they disclose the face of tomorrow, they open us to the heart of our own destiny, which is also already right now in the timelessness of this very moment, and in that startling recognition the voice of the sage becomes your voice, the eyes of the sage become your eyes, you speak with the tongues of angels and are alight with the fire of a realization that never dawns nor ceases, you recognize your own true Face in the mirror of the Kosmos itself: your identity is indeed the All, and you are no longer part of that stream, you are that stream, with the All unfolding not around you but in you. The stars no longer shine out there, but in here. Surpernovas come into being within your heart, and the sun shines inside your awareness. Because you transcend all, you embrace all. There is no final Whole here, only an endless process, and you are the opening or the clearing or the pure Emptiness in which the entire process unfolds--ceaselessly, miraculously, everlastingly, lightly.

The whole game is undone, this nightmare of evolution, and you are exactly where you were prior to the beginning of the whole show. With a sudden shock of the utterly obvious, you recognize your own Original Face, the face you had prior to the Big Bang, the face of utter Emptiness that smiles as all creation and sings as the entire Kosmos--and it is all undone in that primal glance, and all that is left is the smile, and the reflection of the moon on a quiet pond, late on a crystal clear night.

I understand transcend and enfold, transcend and embrace, or transcend and include now. Too often I have undermined myself, beating myself up over my failings, my shortcomings, and my mistakes. Judgement: judgement of what?

Today, at this moment, I am every experience that went before, and so much more. The emotions, the dreams, the ideas and beliefs, all a unique concoction of metaphysical energy that shapes an unseen future. Depth is gained as the intensity and level of experiences lived pass by. You are not just this moment. You are all that went before this moment engaged powerfully in this moment. Chew on that identity for a while. Then open that heart. I'm sure it's not just indigestion.