It's no accident that recent conversations of masculine and feminine forces within the individual have arisen wtihin the work that I do. These recent conversations also lead to the introduction to a book which I stumbled upon when visiting a friend. This book, without even cracking the cover, resonated so firmly to the core many issues of life as a boy, as a man, and an outcast. The book, The Trouble With Boys, as I'm barely scratching the the opening chapters has this to say:
Our sons are growing up in a world in which it helps to be less human. Few of them will turn into murderers, but most of them will have learned by the age of 10 that the world expects them to 'toughen up'. The gun-toting drug barons and their couriers who are now terrorizing housing estates in the north of England are products of a system that believes it is better for a boy to hit the person who upsets him than it is for him to cry. So are the men who need to drink before they can allow themselves to feel, and those who kill themselves rather than confess that they have lost their jobs. It is a process which is so effective that few of our boys escape entirely, nor will they, unless we understand more clearly just what it is they are facing.
This, just one of many paragraphs that roils the guts with emotions as I read on, summarizes quickly a conflicted experience of being that does not provide the male child with the appropriate tools to grow up wholly. Instead, shut down any emotive aspect of the self and learn to fight for every scrap that this competitive world we (history) have created. As the landscape has changed, with the advance of women's equality and integration, in addition to equal opportunity for other minority groups, the traditional "place" (a sense of belonging every human being seeks) for men has evaporated and boys and men alike are being outperformed by women. This isn't a question of a sex being better than another, it is about a sex being better equipped.
Being better equipped doesn't even imply that women are just better at some things than men. Yes, it is true they do better in relationships and are more balanced in many respects than men. It isn't just a question of what is genetically determined, it's the social structure that supports and equips the child. As many a man could tell you, distant fathers and the role of manhood and agenda of society that forces itself on young boys ill equips them to deal with the social evolution taking place. Instead, what we see is increasing violence, suicide, drug use, etc.
This, again, supports my belief that our society requires a social change that creates better father-son relationships and communication. And from a personal perspective based upon my own family-life experience, both as a son and as a father, as a husband and a divorcee (twice), and a single non-typical male seeking a female who can see what it is I experience, that women can and would do wonders by playing in a role of nurturing and educating men - where men are open to this softening process and integrating the fullness of their humanity. I mean really, where else are men to find insights into a side of life that has never been given permission for expression in their own lives?
That being said, I have come to the full realization, that while not perfectly there yet, I have ventured out of the typical male territory, having been fortunate or unfortunate enough - depending upon my perspective any given day - to retain and explore an emotional side of my being and in time, discovering the applicable female energy at work. Remember men, this isn't an issue of sexuality, this is an issue of wholeness: The Yin and Yang; Dark and Light; Masculine and Feminine; Right Brain and Left Brain. Anyone who has completed any kind of assessment around personality or behavior, while recongizing traits, will also recognize that they are more than what the assessment says they are. Like myself, depending upon current life situations, you may even discover that in one decade you score completely opposite to what you scored a decade earlier. Pigeon-holing and dictating social-norms is a dangerous business with potentially hazardous results for some participants.
This book is an extraordinary read and I'm glad to have stumbled upon it. I highly recommend it to everyone as a tool that can open our eyes to the failings of our social-norms and then respond with correct-action that will educate and empower a healthier society for both men and women. I must include women in this equation because in spite of all the advances women have made for themselves, I believe based upon my own experience and many comments in literature as well, that women still view men and expect men in a way that has long become obsolete. If this change and healing is to occur, we all need it. As I wrote Gender Schmender, We All Need to Be Whole, particularly towards the ending paragraphs, our world health (government, business, communities, and families) will benefit greatly and depends upon this radical departure from the typical stereotype that still influences the world today. Our children are depending on us.
Following this blog-entry, my dear mentor-peer-friend pixelpyro posted the following beautiful reply that may leave your mind reeling. Enjoy!
From time to time, your enlightened insights reach the level of "holy shit, that's brilliant!" When I started reading it, I formulated a response around the idea of left and right brain significance, but you mentioned that too. So I digress to testimony....
When I was in a new age cult, years ago, we called the genders 'male appearing' and 'female appearing' since we are all male/female with a dominant orientation one way or the other. We can, at will, change our intellectual orientation to our own sense of comfort, even to the point of altering hormone levels. Wow, you say. Not really a wow. Bees can start out with female organs, change to a male and become hive technicians, then if more foragers are needed, they can revert back to being female again, regenerating female organs. Now say wow. Maybe I have the jobs reversed, but no matter. It's sad that we have over the centuries defined what it means to be one gender or the other, then based on those assumptions, concluded that we must have been given the wrong body. "I cry when I watch chick flicks. I love cooking and interior decoration. When I was a boy I wanted to be a fashion designer. I must be a woman in a man's body!" Timeout, before you go in for surgery.... Who says those are female traits? Those are dogmatic social guidelines invented by man, but not necessarily by nature. These are right-brain traits, everybody's brain. It's not a question of gender, but a matter of what feelings you allow yourself to express publicly, and what you repress because of intimidation.
Think:
Blokes, if you don't believe you have feminine traits, tell me why you have nipples.
That one always gets 'em on the ropes. It's the woman in you that makes you want to play this game (Neil Young). Where did gendering originate anyway? Where everything else did, in the spiritual, non-physical ether. [Warning: This is heavy and obscure, but we can't help ourselves] Males appeared because this all started in Infinite Mind. I am, therefore, I am [Man-law #1] Females appeared because if there is an Infinite Mind, it must have a home. I am - here. [Fem-law #1]. So, the sex organs are representative of that. Mind (consciousness) is the creative force of the universe. Thought is the father of growth, change, multiplication, and so on. The womb of creation is all that appears as a manifestation of thought. The guy who wrote the Adam and Eve myth was trying to explain this, and wasn't any clearer than I am. How this relates to your post is that we carry with us the nature of both. Every creature is creative, and nurturing; A driving force and an impregnable vessel. (Oh, behave, baby); We are all analytical and intuitive; and guess what? We all have a left and right brain hemisphere. Even the planet is male/female. The west is totally male and the "esoteric east" is the feminine hemisphere.
Now, why do we choose to focus only on whether our vehicle is equipped with an inny or an outy? Rather shallow, don't you agree?
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