Change: Pain to Blessing for 2006

Sitting in the living room, listening to music, enjoying some personal time, the mind wanders across the recent pages of life reflecting on the decisions and choices that led to what is my life right now. Despite the lack of material and financial success, I am very happy with where I've been and to where I've come. This isn't the destination, this is part of the journey.

Reviewing what has happened, I see the values that exhibit themselves through my choices; the reasoning behind the result. Individually, they seem to be rationalizations but, seeing them linked over time, I recognize a value or sets of values that have a strong resonance with who I am. I can still wonder why the material and financial success has not happened. I can still wonder why this happened this late in life. Better yet, I can share some truth about the journey of life.

We are raised in a system that educates us and our future choices. This education takes place within the family and within the social structure and schooling of our society. We've become good at accepting the truth from others and have not been given full access to our own creative spirit and truth. Given the fairy tales we are conditioned by, we make our choices and can go astray. When the questioning, doubt, or failures give way to momentary reflection, isn't our spirit calling out?

"Over here, over here! You've been going the wrong way. Your purpose and passion lives this way." the spirit calls. Dismantling the past, dismantling the beliefs, and living a new way takes time and, trial and error. The conflict of the the old life lived can rebel, through the body and emotions, creating conflicting desires and results. With some time to reflect, they can be reviewed and the pattern discerned. A quieter, stronger self is fighting the good fight within, unwilling to settle for anything less than ALL of who you are and what you stand for. One day, you will be grateful for all that you have been given.

The fight, the struggle, the testing, all work to your good. With this battle for our purpose and passion we develop a character that understands much from a place that invites others in. We are not on this journey alone and each person is there for our betterment. Sometimes, rather than through what they give us, our gain is experienced through what we give them.With each step forward, a time comes when we can see the net effect beginning to shape our future, a future we couldn't foresee but sensed.

It is this big a change in your life that is difficult to envision. All that you believed being dismantled and a new possibility, unclear and overwhelming, looming on the horizon. There is nothing else to do but stay in motion and take each step a day at a time. As the days add up, the events unfold, the path of the heart will become clear. As this clarity gains strength new choices and decisions will take a bolder step straight towards your future. The battles will ease up and the blessings will be more clearly seen. The standards you measure with will shift from the values of adopted belief to the values of who you truly are.

The Year 2006 will soon be upon us. The Eve of Promises, of New Year's Resolutions, will hear whispers that will fall down unfulfilled. This year, I give you your power back. With each uttered whisper, each promise to live the life you deserve, I will remind you that you will succeed with each failure that you get back up from and take another step boldly toward your future. Your success will be born of the experiences combined when reflected upon. Give yourself the time.

Balance: Time and Money

This is such a valuable commodity. Many people trade time for money and we seem to be doing it more and more. Yet, when I stop and sit down, turn off the TV, and let myself think, to process a slice of life, then I really begin to wonder where I can find this time.

This time, this very moment, is so valuable to me, to you. That moment of slowing down, to just be more in the moment, to reconnect, seems to be the time that demands so much monetary value. Unwittingly, most of us have completely forgotten what is truly important in our lives. We, being so competetive, have become caught up in the measuring the dollars instead of the time. Our success is being measured in dollars and not the value of life's special moments to oneself.

We sacrifice irreplacable moments to our pursuit of material success; be it career, the sheer chase of money, or the pursuit of power and prestige. For me, as a single man, I enjoy the time to relax without a worry to distract me. We are told to forget our problems and work towards our goals. Being distracted by worries is a place of fear; a very subtle fear. Fear always keeps us seeking, and blindly influenced by a subtle panic or anxiety. We're never truly right here. Intimate moments with oneself, with our loved ones, connecting with friends; all of these moments are marginally experienced. I deserve better than that. You deserve better than that.

This isn't saying it is wrong to engage in career pursuits, or to enjoy the building of wealth. Their pursuit is a good and wonderful thing to be experienced. Let's just make sure that we recognize when we're getting too caught up at the expense of our personal time, our mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical health. We must also not forget the people that are important to us in life. Nurturing these moments will actually return a higher yield in both your personal and financial life. This means that it actually fuels your earning potential, your creativity, and your energy levels.

Too often, too late in life, we begin to wonder: Who am I without work? What am I going to do? As a coach, I will hear these questions that people will ask, are asking, of themselves today. I hear some of their worst fears. What it teaches me is how we are all dealing with these subtle, unnerving fears, on some level or another and at one time or another in our life. We're all on a journey doing the best with what we've got. Connecting with others gives us access to so much more!

Time: What's it worth? Where do you want to spend it? How do you want to use it?

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But then... I could be wrong.

Spirited Intelligent Emotions

Many years ago, I had the privilege of facilitating a special workshop focused on changing the corporate culture within a large Canadian national corporation. I had been a member of the Information Technology management team at Head Office for many years, witnessing many labor disruptions before this initiative became reality. Since that time, there been no labor disputes. A major component of this culture change was removing the “us vs. them” mentality. This called forth basic human values, the diversity we each embody and the trust, respect, and problem solving that made teams so effective.

After having experienced such a powerful shift, impacting others lives and careers, my management position tasted stale. My thirst for making a difference and impacting lives became an unquenchable thirst. I continued facilitating workshops within the organization and as it wrapped up, with more head office downsizing on the horizon, I took a leave of absence and arrived in Vancouver. I was unprepared, totally unprepared.

I had done little to research the job-market, little to understand the business community, or establish key connections that might assist my transition. I moved in with family who I hadn’t seen since leaving home 13 years earlier. The stress of those first years was unbearably difficult. Family dynamics saw a 30-something become a 17 year old again. Trying to understand and clean up the emotional debris within the family became a focal point. There’s no need to point out that it wasn’t my responsibility, it’s amazing what we buy into as the first born surviving child. Dealing with the emotional fallout from the suicide of a sister, nearly a decade earlier, I became a go-between for divorced parents. I discovered hatred, bitterness, victimization, bankruptcy, and overall emotional devastation for both parents. Their negative experiences began to affect my outlook, my confidence and esteem, and my health.

It was also during this time that I tried finding work related to the training and facilitating that I had conducted back in Ottawa. It was then that someone mentioned the term Emotional Intelligence. I did find a not-so-busy private college that was teaching the material and of course, their interest in me was to become a student. Everything about the conversations confused what I understood Emotional Intelligence to be. In much the same way, IQ tests are being challenged today for their relevancy given the different expectations of careers, people and diversity. There was also the fact that the emphasis was on creating exclusive criteria before people could be considered emotionally intelligent. There was no barometer to identify the emotional downfall that occurs during tragic times of life. It is during these times that inclusiveness is needed, that’s what heals the traumatized person.

In preparation for a talk on emotional intelligence, I've spent portions of my time reading relevant material. It's been interesting to say the least. When I studied Sociology, I was dumbfounded by the study of what is wrong with us in society and then, little is done about what is wrong. There are many new pills and therapies hitting the market place treating the disorder without really getting to the roots of the problems. As I read more about Emotional Intelligence, I found more of the same. The books made suggestions that could counter childhood experiences and improve emotional development and yet little is done. As well, there is a brief encounter with the concept of spirituality in the field of emotional intelligence; as with most things that cannot be measured and verified clinically or scientifically, little else is done with it to help pull the pieces together.

Granted, these ideas I represent are my own drawn from many sources. My perspective is one of studied observation of people, events in my own life, and much reading and reflection. As with most things, questions in our own minds are likely similar or the same as questions in another's mind; often, when a question is upon one's lips, a few others in the same room will be glad that question is asked. I see the same thing with spirituality, and yet, we can only experience first-hand that which cannot be seen. It is in the experience that reality is experienced and influenced by the perspective we hold to be true. This is a difficult statement for many to hear.

In a real sense, our two realities can be so vastly different simply by the way we choose to look at things. Knowing this, during periods of depression, or intense questioning and doubt, we wonder what has happened to us. Having seen and experienced a brighter past, the attitude and joy that was experienced, I wonder how I might get that back? Is it just emotional intelligence? Or is there more; spiritual intelligence? Emotional Intelligence topics and books also mention spirituality. Another mention is made of the different levels of awareness related to consciousness.

This is where the experiencer and observer distinction is made. Observations of how we are relating to each other, of how we are raised and raise our young, and of how we become emotionally hijacked and are often unaware of sabotaging emotions. The inter-connectedness of the mind-body-emotions is intricately linked. This is where I see something missing (... here is the rest of the article.)

What's Next?

A boat docked in a tiny seaside village. An American tourist complimented the local fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.

"Not very long," answered the fisherman.

"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American. The fisherman explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, play the guitar, and sing a few songs...I have a full life."

The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard, and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue,you can buy a bigger boat."

"And after that?" asked the fisherman.

"With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers.

Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to the city, Los Angeles,or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."

"How long would that take?" asked the fisherman.

"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.

"And after that?"

"Afterwards? Well my Friend, That's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?" said the fisherman.

"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings doing what you like and enjoying your friends."

God, Nothing, Existence

following a stream of consciousness

zero equals infinity - you see?

no, you can't fit limitless quantities into nothing

sure you can

no, you can't

okay, look. with nothing, there are no boundaries, there are no limits; just emptiness

so?

so, infinite fits into that space, that emptiness

huh?

yes. and so does our universe. that's where you'll find God too.

huh?

yes, God. He is those spaces - perfect - there is no light, there is no dark, there is no matter, no nothing, just - perfection - the source of love, of creation - it exists in the empty space of nothing - that's where we come from, what we're made of.

oooohhhhh, my brain!

by going inwards, within ourselves, to reach the quiet space, we can hear God and hear our spirit - we cannot comprehend what we cannot see and what is nothing cannot be seen - and yet, nothing is everything.

Pawns in the Game of Power

Link: We Didn't Start the Fire

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I'm Into You

Visiting with a friend recently saw the discussion of how our love for others is often misinterpreted. Both of us share the same experience of being very open and loving of other people as we greet each day. Living in the heart of Vancouver's gay neighborhood we both get hit on by members of the same sex. As for the opposite sex, our experiences are slightly different as it pertains to the male / female experience; men generally hit on women. Nonetheless, even with our expressiveness towards everyone we are often confused with being interested romantically and men will hit on her, and in my case, women will extend invitations to me or they'll withdraw, thinking I'm hitting on them. In both of our cases, we're simply being who we are by expressing our genuine love for our fellow man or woman.

During the conversation, she jokingly said, "I'm not into you that way." in response to the misunderstood men and women that respond to her genuine warmth. As I heard her say this, I heard a deeper truth for the both of us and she agreed. 'I'm into you' is an accurate statement for all people we meet. I'm very interested in people, what they do, who they are, how they feel, and what their experiences are. Both of us love to connect with people in a very real way. If something romantic is to come up, it isn't something that we need to force, it is something that would grow from an ongoing friendship. She agreed and we both agree that 'I'm into you' can still hold true for all people we meet.

Starved for love is the feeling I get from people that latch on too quickly. Sex itself can be one thing but the real root issue, for me anyway, is that experience of love seems to be a real confusing mess for a lot of people. Continuing our discussion, we agreed that love begins with self, deep inside, offering a fullness that does not need filling from another. Experiencing this we are able to share love easily and freely without expectation and if and when something further develops, it develops from a place of already being full creating a more solid relationship of two individuals. Then it becomes a true partnership rather than a dependancy-based relationship.

I'm into you. Let me and we can have fun with life, relationship, and love without expectation. Enjoying the moment and connection our experiences of life will deepen and the bonds of friendship will grow. Without the expectation the discovery of romance will also come as a surprise and joy from a place of equal partnership that can occur playfully and painlessly. That friendship already developed will only serve to deepen the experience of connection to more intimate levels with respect and love that has already been cultivated. Be into me, I'm into you.

ANGER: Check In and Use It Right

Anger is Love. The work with spiritual and emotional intelligence has developed this perspective in my life. It has allowed me to check in underneath the anger for the other emotions that exist there. Quite often, it includes sadness, much in the way that we would feel and express sadness for the tragedies we see occurring around the world.

I have learned that anger has not served me well and it is not that anger is not useful. I absolutely agree that anger is useful. The problem with the force of anger is that it closed the ears and hearts of those I truly desired to see respond with change and justice.

Now, when I catch myself (I'm still human), I can pause and look beneath the anger and discover the pain I'm experiencing in relation to the issue. Accessing this deeper emotion the saddened and angered love is able to express itself with a message that has an emotional energy that can be received (most of the time) with enormous impact and allows me to nurture change in the other or in me. This isn't always possible, it isn't always easy, it is not always immediate, but the impact is there.

Where change is desired in the behavior of others, love and loving communication have far more power than anger and this can easily be seen by the virtue of the fact that many of the historical transgressions were often operating from a place of anger and mistrust.

Recently, here in Canada, a big issue came up around faith-based arbitration. This is a support to the legal system where individuals within a religious faith can settle disputes outside of the courts within the context and support system of their religion. Now something like this might cause many of us to cringe and even so, we must allow for those who are comfortable with their beliefs and what works for them.

If you google faith-based arbitration you can research the issue more fully if you want to know more. My assignment, from a multi-cultural paper that I write for, was to write a piece on this issue asking the question is there room in our system for such a structure. You can read the article here.

The other thing I've come to observe is that when we see such travesties, we know the answer, the desirable behavior, the justice required, and so on. Again, these are value judgements and I'm not saying they are wrong but in the context of another's culture and belief system the opposite can be true. Regardless of who is right and who is wrong, change is still required and disputes usually take longer to solve conflict than love. A good case in point is the impact Ghandi had in effecting change for India during his life.

Now I am nowhere near the level of Ghandi but I certainly strive for that sense of peace, love, and understanding. Oh, see? I missed the other important quality that helped him endure the process of change: Patience. A farmer plants the seed, nurtures the crop, waits patiently, deals with many external forces that cannot be changed with complete acceptance, and harvests the crop. Some years, crops are destroyed by pests, vermin, or weather and the crop is replanted the following year.

I desire a better world, more peace, less starvation, more equality, personal responsibility, etc. and the ideal, while desirable, is quite an unlikely possibility. This is not to say that greater measures of success cannot be experienced, there will be improvements. What I'm simply suggesting is that humankind will always display elements of our dark side. Getting better at dealing with the roots of the problems though will most likely allow us to reduce the frequency and severity of behaviors undesirable in society.

To Know is To NOT Know

This is truer than people might realize. Dig deep, there is a significant powerful truth buried in this statement that can redefine life and create more positive and powerful experiences. As we navigate life, become educated in society, and learn from experiences we inevitably think we know.

We know what people are like, we know what this means and that means, we know what to expect, and we know what will be good and what will be bad. All of these perceptions are defining a reality before it even has a chance to show you something different.

To know is to not know is a statement that drops judgement and allows the experience to demonstrate something new. It also creates an openess for you to discover more as you read the rest of the article.

Balance: Entreprenurial or Workaholic?

A workaholic is someone who has no identity beyond their work. Life is about so much more than what you do. It is about the relationships you develop and nurture. It is about social impact in your community. It is about the growth and learning you experience. It is about living passionately.

We are creative by our very nature, it's in our genes. Applied intelligence equals creativity. Intelligence takes on many forms.

So this creates a new question: (more here)

Empowering Teams & Leaders

A recent dream spoke to me about leadership. In this dream, I was a member of a good-natured team of life-loving characters. Isn't this typical of most of us in life and how we want to experience our lives? I believe it is. With performance being such an issue to sustain a business and create profit-margins, a great deal of stress is experienced at the supervisory level when performance falls below the line. In efforts to motivate, some supervisors will try a variety of tactics in order to ellicit the support they need from the team to keep up the pace. Are tactics really the answer though?

Leaders, like members of the team, all need to read this.