"It could just be heartburn," came the retort.

"No, I don't think so. I'm pretty sure this is much bigger than that." I was convinced my heart was growing bigger.

Imagine someone dear to you. Someone you can't imagine not breathing, that you can imagine the emotional volcano erupting deep within if they were lost. Whoa! That's some seriously deep loving.

In your heart's desire the best of the best is hoped for that person. Never would you dream of harming them, or even wish to see in any kind of pain or difficulty. Like a parent for a child, we wish them happiness, joy, friends, success, security, peace, satisfaction, and so on. And even so, we ache every time we hear the opposite, we cry inside every time we see their pain.

Be joyful, be happy, is often what I hear. While sad, I can't say that I am not grateful or unhappy. Being sad can contain joy too, albeit a little warped. (But I hear that helps around here.) I might be full of shit, but I don't think so.

I'm reading A Brief History of Everything by Ken Wilber and am discovering lingo and sound argument for the experiences I have and am incapable of explaining fully. Check this out:

I'll tell you what I think. I think the sages are the growing tip of the secret impulse of evolution. I think they are the leading edge of the self-transcending drive that always goes beyond what before. I think they embody the very drive of the Kosmos toward greater depth and expanding consciousness. I think they are riding the edge of a light beam racing toward a rendez-vous with God.

And I think they point to the same depth in you, and in me, and in all of us. I think they are plugged into the All, and the Kosmos sings through their voices, and Spirit shines through their eyes. And I think they disclose the face of tomorrow, they open us to the heart of our own destiny, which is also already right now in the timelessness of this very moment, and in that startling recognition the voice of the sage becomes your voice, the eyes of the sage become your eyes, you speak with the tongues of angels and are alight with the fire of a realization that never dawns nor ceases, you recognize your own true Face in the mirror of the Kosmos itself: your identity is indeed the All, and you are no longer part of that stream, you are that stream, with the All unfolding not around you but in you. The stars no longer shine out there, but in here. Surpernovas come into being within your heart, and the sun shines inside your awareness. Because you transcend all, you embrace all. There is no final Whole here, only an endless process, and you are the opening or the clearing or the pure Emptiness in which the entire process unfolds--ceaselessly, miraculously, everlastingly, lightly.

The whole game is undone, this nightmare of evolution, and you are exactly where you were prior to the beginning of the whole show. With a sudden shock of the utterly obvious, you recognize your own Original Face, the face you had prior to the Big Bang, the face of utter Emptiness that smiles as all creation and sings as the entire Kosmos--and it is all undone in that primal glance, and all that is left is the smile, and the reflection of the moon on a quiet pond, late on a crystal clear night.

I understand transcend and enfold, transcend and embrace, or transcend and include now. Too often I have undermined myself, beating myself up over my failings, my shortcomings, and my mistakes. Judgement: judgement of what?

Today, at this moment, I am every experience that went before, and so much more. The emotions, the dreams, the ideas and beliefs, all a unique concoction of metaphysical energy that shapes an unseen future. Depth is gained as the intensity and level of experiences lived pass by. You are not just this moment. You are all that went before this moment engaged powerfully in this moment. Chew on that identity for a while. Then open that heart. I'm sure it's not just indigestion.

Courage Prevails

Weary to the bones, feeling the heaviness and despair, the fatigue demands you to sit and breathe awhile. As you sit and withdraw within the burdened mind and heart, you pant for breath, for life to return. A gust of wind stirs and refreshes you momentarily, clearing away the dark thoughts of the day, the months, and the years, and you raise your head and eyes to observe.

"How did I not notice this?" you ask. Two paths open before you. One appears to lead down the same path life has been handing you the past 10 years. It doesn't feel right, it feels like a lie, like all smoke and mirrors. The other road is shrouded in mist, within a dark forest. Even so, off in the distance you see a speck of light, like a promise, of something that appeals to a deeper part of yourself.

You look again, at the foreboding dark forest, the mist, and wonder what lurks in the dark. Its’ eeriness sends shivers and goose bumps crawling across your skin and through your bones. What surprises you is that the bones know, they know that this is your road, and one that you've passed many times before.

Finally, tired of the same repetitious path of life, the path that has lulled you into a slumber of pity, self-loathing, even longing, you find a spark within the heart that ignites a tiny spark in the belly, and then the head, and you know the adventure begins: The life you were born to live. All that needs to happen now is to turn towards the ominous and hopeful path of rightness, not familiarity, and to strike out on foot with courage.

For many, the piercing arrow of fear strikes to heart with its' ghost-like quality. The transparent, smoky, frail, and temporal arrow of fear relies on illusion to fool them and their ever-so intelligent mind that can never be wrong. As they turn away from the path of rightness, of their true life that they were born to live, fear returns to the dark woods as a whispery haunting laugh follows the blind back to the illusion of familiarity and security.

You remember this, how many times you glanced and walked on; how many times you stopped and longed; and you even have a vague recollection of having passed it without even noticing. No, the time has come, the pain of familiarity has made you too numb, and you long for life to seize your heart and start beating again with the joy of promise given to you as a child in the arms of the Supreme.

Checking in one more time, you feel the excitement build in the bones as the pilot lights sparked earlier fuel the passion to be alive and ride life. With nary a look back your heel strikes out and into the gloom of the dark forest, and the promise of that light off in the distant future. Inside the forest, you find the familiar surround you again, as the denseness of this familiar place brings memories, mistakes, missed opportunities, and the healing to let go.

This dark forest is love and loves you. The embrace is firm, cold, and yet bold. Welcoming each error of past misjudgment transforms you, empowers you, fuels you, heals you, and the forest urges you on as each barb yields to the beautiful rose. And one day, in the unknown distance of time, you step out fully into the brilliance of your authentic life upon the meadow of gaiety.

Dancing, singing, rejoicing you spin and turn and tumble with joy. After moments or hours, as time is no longer the prison it once was, you stand, exhausted with joy and delight and turn slowly absorbing the beauty that surrounds you. Gazing back along the road less traveled you see the path from the forest to discover the beauty in the tragedies and pain, as majestic Oaks, Maples, Firs, and so many more, tower to the sky with a firm strength that stands the test of time.

Bending to knee, falling forward, embracing the earth, and all your self-worth, you give thanks with tears and sobbing that releases the fullest joy imaginable. And the quiet voice of Love speaks into your heart, clearing your mind once again, and says, "Sweet child. I honor you. It was you who seized upon Courage and found Strength where I reside. It was you, My Delight, and you bring great Joy to My Heart, knowing that you have claimed this Gift of Life fully."

The bones speak again as the flesh is crawled with goose bumps and the rightness of the words sink into the flesh. Rolling over and sitting up, you lean back on your hands for a moment to gaze up into the blue wonder to ponder thanks. "My dear God," you say, "I have fought you, misunderstood you, and even abused you, yet you call me your delight. Thank-you for acknowledging that which is in me as you, and never, ever, giving up on me."

Regaining your feet, you feel the ground firmly beneath you like you've never felt it before. You feel the blood course through your veins with a fury of life that will never lay down again. You feel the gratitude and love of a heart that has swollen in proportion to ALL. And you forge on with a zest and appeal for experiencing joy that leaves your mouth watering, knowing that the path of rightness is your own and that goodness will always reign.

A ghost appears, ever so slightly, to pierce the truth with a nightmare of fear. And just as quickly, you turn one last time and remember what that forest has taught you. For all the mistakes, wrong turns, hurts of life, and damage caused to others, forgiveness and love have never left you, let you down, abandoned you, or held any grudges. It was you, it was fear, it can and has been let go, and firmly planted in the roots of majesty. You will prevail.

This, I just wrote, from heart and creative spirit.

© 2007 Lee Down, all rights reserved